Burnout. A coworker I'd rather be without.

Burnout. Apparently very common among artists and sadly everywhere else as well. I always thought I was immune, that I was the one person gifted with endless energy and a doer of all the things. 

I’ve always loved working. I have a black belt in checking things off lists and rolled around like a dog being petted when coworkers told me I never missed deadlines, that I always delivered. 

Same for life at home. Before the rest of the family had rolled out of their pyjamas on Saturday morning I’d have the laundry, grocery shopping and dinner plans ready. By the end of the weekend I’d be so tired I barely had the energy to get into bed.

And I certainly brought the same desire to please into my own business.  Fueled by joy and excitement I dove head first into planning the year ahead in detail. Boy, was I going to be efficient!

But that’s when universe laughs you in the face, isn’t it? 

Siri - my partner in sleep.

One evening I thought I had a flu coming so I went to bed early and pretty much stayed in bed - for four months. I had trouble walking from being dizzy. I’ve always loved running but getting myself to and from the mailbox was suddenly absolutely exhausting. My brain couldn’t process information so reading was out of the question, all I saw was jumbled sentences and nothing made sense. I was afraid of getting in the car as I couldn’t figure out what the symbols on the dashboard meant. Noise and light was unbearable and I got anxiety from the thought of meeting other people. And then there was that crippling sadness as a huge wet blanket on top of everything. 

So I went into hibernation. I slept and cried and slept some more. With the help of many hours of therapy I got to shine a light on the constant quest to outperform myself, and feelings of shame around rest. I mapped out what gives and what takes energy, what gives a sense of purpose and what triggers anxiety. I know now that I need breaks, several times a day - and some days even a nap. Energy is precious and doesn’t return by default unless I take care of myself. 

Weekends should be about rest. Sure things need to be done around the house, but the laundry basket does not need to be empty at all times, toys all over the living room isn’t the end of the world. 

I had this coming obviously, but it took a good smack in the face to change. I’m finally feeling energy again and possibly a bit too excited to get back to work but hopefully I’ve learned enough to pace myself. I know I wouldn’t have listened if anyone tried to warn me but if you’re at all smarter than I was hear me out; Unplug on a regular basis, a 5 minute breather a few times a day can go a long way. And if possible - make time off a part of your schedule. Take care of yourself, your body will thank you later.